Sparkles and Sticks

monster of the week- dementors

Dementors are the most horrible monsters in Potterworld.

They don't kill you, they just make you bloody miserable.  They suck all the happiness, all the good feelings right out of you so all you are left with are the horrible feelings and moments in your life.

Sometimes, they go as far as to suck your soul right out of you.  You are left alive, but vacant.

Dementors are repelled with a Patronus Charm.  If successfully conjured, a patronus will erupt from the witch/wizard's wand in the wispy silver form of an animal that the conjurer would consider protective.  The patronus chases the dementor away.

Conjuring a patronus is very difficult.  The witch/wizard must manage to think about a truly happy moment in her/his life at the very same time the dementor is sucking all the happiness out of her/him in order to complete the charm successfully.  It takes a great deal of strength, skill, and practice to conjure a patronus. 

Because of the strength involved in conjuring it, the patronus is just as beautiful as a dementor is horrible.

Next to Umbridge, I find dementors to be one of the most realistic monsters in Potterworld.  Have you ever felt like you have had to fight off a lingering, inexplicable energy suck?  Have you ever felt depressed for seemingly no reason?  And have you ever noticed that the only thing that can pull you out of a depression like that is your own will power?*  Dementors are a metaphor for depression.

*Using your own will power can involve asking for help, talking to a friend, seeing a doctor... these resources replace our lack of wands and spells.

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This post is part of a weekly series -Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  In the week leading up to July 15th the Monster of the Week series will be dedicated to the monsters in Harry Potter World, in order to celebrate the arrival of the final film in the series. 

monster of the week- hagrids friends

Buckbeak the Hippogriff is the perfect ambassador for an entire genre of monsters in Potterworld.  The Gentle Giants, or Hagrid's friends as we could also say, are monsters that are not evil at heart but can be a wee bit dangerous all the same.  Hagrid's Friends include:

Buckbeak

Hippogriffs are quite stiff when it comes to manners: you have to bow when you first meet them.  If they bow back, you are golden and they will be a great friend who will help save your godfather from getting kissed by a dementor.  But if you don't approach them properly, or if they decided they don't like your cocky little blonde head, then they will let you know.  And letting you know might include hurting your arm just a little bit.  It's the Hippogriff's way of shouting "Piss Off!"

Aragog

Aragog is a friend of Hagrid's because Hagrid brought him up and protected him when he was a young spider.  Once Hagrid set Aragog free into the Forbidden Forest, Aragog started a family.  On Aragog's orders, none harm his dear friend Hagrid.  But that does not mean that others, even Hagrid's friends, who wander into Aragog's territory will go unattacked.  Aragog's kindness only stretches so far.

Norbert

Oh, Norbert!  He is too unmanageable as a pet, even when he is just barely out of his egg.  Even the defensive Hagrid realizes that his dream of owning a pet dragon is too much to handle quite quickly.  Norbert doesn't specifically set out to breathe fire onto Hagrid, but he does.  Because that's how dragons breathe.  Norbert doesn't intend to hurt people, but he does simply by doing the things dragons do. 

In short, the moral of the story for Hagrid's Friends is this: Not all monsters who scratch are black.

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This post is part of a weekly series -Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  In the week leading up to July 15th the Monster of the Week series will be dedicated to the monsters in Harry Potter World, in order to celebrate the arrival of the final film in the series.  

monster of the week- professor delores jane umbridge

Ladies and Gentlemen, readers of all ages, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to one of the most terrifying monsters in the world of Harry Potter.  No, it's not a giant murderous snake, it is not a soul sucking prison guard, it is not the fantastically evil Bellatrix Lestrange.  Not, it's not even Lord Voldemort.  It's evil cloaked in fancy titles and silly pink tweed suites.  It is...

Professor Delores Jane Umbridge. 

Delores Umbridge is an unskilled witch.  She cannot thwart the Weasley inspired rebellion against her in Hogwarts.  Though they refuse to help Umbridge, the other teachers in the school are easily capable of using their wands and wits to tame the students shenanigans.

Umbridge is power hungry.  She is consistently obtaining new titles (Senior Under Secretary to the Minister of Magic, Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Hogwarts High Inquisitor, Hogwarts Headmistress, Head of the Muggle Born Registration Commission), and passing new "rules" (the anti-werewolf legislation, and Educational Decrees 23 and beyond). 

Unfortunately, power does not suite Umbridge.  She is a rude, tyrannical leader.  She sacks poor Professor Trelawney in a highly public, highly unnecessary scene. 

She relishes in cruel punishments.  She sends dementors after Harry, threatens to use the Cruciatus Curse on Harry and his friends, and gives Harry an absolutely scarring series of detentions.

 

Umbridges has a lot of power within the Ministry of Magic, and she is stubbornly oblivious.  (What a poor combination!)  She refuses to believe that Lord Voldemort has returned or that the ministry of magic has turned rotten when it is under Lord Voldemort's power.

Umbridge is blood-ist and species-ist.  She passed anti-werewolf legislation (as mentioned above), she suggested rounding up and tagging all merpeople, and generally thinks all magical creatures are inferior to witches and wizards.  She even goes as far to say that muggle born witches and wizards are not, in fact, magical and should not be permitted to take part in the magical community.

She may look harmless with her pink outfits, decorative kitty-cat plate collection, and light voice, but her appearence combined with the vicious characteristics described above make her like poisoned honey. 

Professor Delores Jane Umbridge is Potter World's most plausible nightmare: a sneaky politician with arrogant motives.

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This post is part of a weekly series -Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  In June and July 2011, the Monster of the Week series will be dedicated to the monsters in Harry Potter World, in order to celebrate the arrival of the final film in the series.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.

.monster of the week- the weeping angels.

In honor of the start of the sixth season of Doctor Who on BBCA, I bring you the most terrifying Who Monster- The Weeping Angels.

The Weeping Angels are an ancient breed of monsters that look like stone angel statues.  When an Angel is being observed, when a living thing is looking at it, the Angel is harmless.  The monster in it is trapped and can neither hurt others nor be killed itself.

But when you avert your eyes even for just one moment, the monster is freed.

It can move.

In fact, it can move quite quickly.

And it only has one thing in mind.

The way to combat the Weeping Angels?  Do what the Doctor says: don't stop looking at them, not even for a moment.

Don't Blink.

 

The best way to get rid of an Angel is to trick two or more Angels into looking at each other.  The gaze of a fellow Angel is deadly.

The Weeping Angels were created by writer Stephen Moffat and first appear in Blink (Season 3, Episode 11).  They have been very well received by fans and critics alike, and appeared again in two episodes of Season 5. 

I have two very strong opinions concerning the Weeping Angels.  They are as follows:

1.  I have no doubt that they will be continuing members of the Doctor Who Monster canon.  Like the Daleks and Cybermen, we will see them in many seasons to come.

2.  Don't watch Blink by yourself, at night, when you have just moved into a new house and aren't used to its weird noises yet.  Unlike the Daleks, who will simply piss you off with their racial superiority and schreechy-synthesized death threats, the Weeping Angels are scary in the way that Hitchcock's use of silence and the unseen are scary. 

In other words, they are "sleep-with-the-light-on-while-clutching-a-yard-stick-or-bat-so-you-can-beat-off-monsters" kind of terrifying.

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This post is part of a weekly series- Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.

.monster of the week- adipose monsters.

The absolute best thing about the adipose monsters (from Season 4 of The New Who) is that there is absolutely nothing terrifying about them.  In fact, they are down right adorable.

See?

They are just a bunch of cute little friendly fat particles that have fallen off of humans who are taking super-scary magic diet pills.  Their main crime?  They sometimes wake up their human inhabitants when they shimmy off them and escape out the nearest door or window. The human then wakes to to realize that they weighed one pound less than before they went to sleep.  OMG!  The diet pills are working!

The real crime was committed by the "nanny" who was illegally breeding them on planet earth by tricking humans into taking the aforementioned scary diet pills.  And sometimes too many adipose are born at a time and like, the human dies.

But even the doctor will not do anything to stop them once they are "born." 

"They are just children," he says, with a note of doting in his voice.

In fact, they are so cute that you can even learn how to make an adipose monster, via My Imaginary Boyfriend.

(image)

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This post is part of a weekly series- Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.

November 2010's Monster of the Week series is dedicated to the monsters of Doctor Who, in honor of the 11th Doctor's arrival on DVD.

.monster of the week- the Ood.

The first time I saw an Ood (Season 2 of the New Who) I thought, "Holy crap, those things are terrifying.  Run Rose!  Run Doctor!  They are going to eat you!!!!"

Then the Ood said something perfectly pleasant in a perfectly pleasant voice, and I scolded myself for judging a monster by its tentacles. 

But then I fund out the Ood are slaves.  And they enjoy it.  Or something.  I'm not convinced anyone can enjoy being a slave.

Then the Ood proceeded to become minions of the devil, and were sucked in a black hole.

The next time we saw the Ood, the Doctor was with Donna Noble, and the Ood were going all red-eyed crazy on everyone.  Then the Doctor saved the day, and the Ood went on to form a beatiful, peaceful civilization.  They are no longer slaves, and their race develops very progressvely, very quickly.

Moral of the Ood?  Monsters form kick-arse civilizations when they aren't enslaved.

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This post is part of a weekly series- Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.

November 2010's Monster of the Week series is dedicated to the monsters of Doctor Who, in honor of the 11th Doctor's arrival on DVD.

.monster of the week- Daleks.

I herby dedicate this month's collection of Monster of the Week Features to the monsters of Doctor Who.  Because Season 5 of the New Who's is out on DVD and Netflix this month.  And I am excited to watch it.  And decide if I like the new Doctor.  And his sidekick, Amy.  Also, because I am a huge geek.

Hence, we begin with Daleks, the most well-known Who Monsters.

The funny things about Daleks is this: they scare the crap out of the bravest, fiestiest, and cleverest characters in all of Dr. Whoville, but it took several decades of terror before the creators decided that Daleks should be able to manuver themselves on type of terrain that wasn't a flat surface.  So really, the characters in past seasons of Doctor Who could have just run upstairs to get away from them.

On a more serious note (as serious as we can be when talking about squishy, brain looking creatures who have built themselves R2D2-esque metal armor in order to take over all planets) Daleks do have a way of doing the exact right thing to totally devestate our hero, The Doctor.  They played a huge part in destroying his home planet, and they made Rose fall into a different dimension.  Also, they probably did lots of other really horrible stuff in older episodes I haven't seen.

So just remember, folks.  Whenever you want to appear truly terrifying, just shout "Exterminate!  Exterminate!!!" in your best synthesized voice.  That should do it.

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This post is part of a weekly series- Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.

And now, a Special Halloween Safety Announcement from Sparkles and Sticks

Don't dress up as anything that would render you unable to stake, decapitate, or otherwise slay this Halloween.  Because you just never know when Ethan Rayne will pop up in your town.

By the way, I got married one week ago today!  To a guy who does not like Buffy!

Wish us luck. ; )

.monster of the week- the deathly hallows.

You've probably already seen it, but its just too good to not share.  Again.  Over and over and over.  Until the end of time.  Or, until I get to see it in imax.  In 3-D.

And if you didn't already know how truly geektastic I am, this post probably pretty much took care of it.

.monster of the week- Drusilla.

Speaking of crazy evil ladies...

Meet my absolute favorite, complete nutter of a villain- Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.

Human Drusilla was ridiculously innocent, chaste, and also quite psychic.  Apparently she was so awesome that she had the stuff to become a saint.  Therefore, Angelus (Angel's evil-vampire-self) decided that it would be, like, a really fun challenge to first drive her insane and kill off her family, then turn her into a vampire on the evening she took her vows as a nun at a monastery.

The consequence: a totally evil, completely insane, and childlike evil vampire lady.

The bright side?  She says some pretty darn entertaining stuff:

"Do you know what I miss? Leeches."

Dru: I'm naming all the stars. Spike: You can't see the stars, love, that's the ceiling. Also, it's day. Dru: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion."

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This post is part of a weekly series- Monster of the Week- designed to celebrate and examine the little gremlins that lurk around our media and culture.  Check back every late Saturday night for your monstrous fix.